You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
