Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
