haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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