God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
