btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
