I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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