What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Randomize
