Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
