So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
