Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
