made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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