Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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