he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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