He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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