My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
