i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
please come you make the beer taste better
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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