It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
