i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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