no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
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