I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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