im drinking this country out of the recession.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
