God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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