i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
organizing the empties. That sober.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
