Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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