The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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