I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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