I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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