u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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