dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
