if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
