finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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