I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
