I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
