I just threw up on my dentist
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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