Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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