I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
