Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
