I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
