I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
