Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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