i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
