I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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