I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
