I'm eating all of the evidence.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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