so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
