phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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