I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think your dad took our porno
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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