he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
