if you like me you must not know who I am
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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