there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
