I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
ok first of all what the fuck
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
